The 'In' Crowd and Social Cruelty Among Kids, Competition to Belong Is Fierce

The bully of my middle school in Wilmette,sale Inflatable Castle Ill., scared me so much, I dreamed about him. I'd walk blocks out of the way to avoid him. I'm now 55, yet the fear is still fresh.
And I wasn't even a prime target. I was just an average geek, not one of the "bottom 20 percent" - the kids who really worry psychologist Michael Thompson.
Thompson, author of Best Friends, Worst Enemies, says almost every school has an "in" crowd, popular kids who decide what's "cool." The "cool" kids are followed in Thompson's social hierarchy by the roughly 60 percent of kids who are "in the middle." Then there are the "victims," the roughly 20 percent of kids who lack the social skills to make many friends. They are often not only excluded, but picked on or severely bullied.
"There's a ferocious competition at the top," said Thompson. "It's particularly rugged in middle school because the need to be part of a group is so human. It's so primate."
What makes someone popular? For middle school girls, Thompson said, the top three criteria are looks, clothes and charisma. For boys, he said it's athletic ability, stature and humor.
"Everybody knows who's cool and who's not," said a sixth-grade girl in Engelwood, N.J. "It's obvious."
Cruelty Adults Rarely See
ABCNEWS obtained copies of Canadian research tapes that followed bullies in school playgrounds - cruelty that adults rarely see. It's horrifying to watch. The tapes show other kids passively watching as bullies kick and punch victims. Worse, sometimes the other kids all "pile on," joining in with the bully.
"To identify with the victim makes you feel weak," explained Thompson. "To identify with the aggressor makes you feel strong."
The footage also shows that kids are often so desperate to be part of a group, they'd rather be punched and kicked than be alone.
"No attention is worse than this type of attention," said psychology professor Wendy Craig. "If he wants to belong, he has to take it."
Former bullies and former victims agreed to talk about their experiences. One 16-year-old explained that he became a bully because he wanted to stand out.
"I wasn't very popular," said Michael from East Lyme, Conn. "I figured, push people around, get people to see what I'm doing, that'll get my name out there, that'll get people to notice me."
While girls are less likely to bully physically, they do it, too.
"It was fun for me to see people cry," said Jenny, a 17-year-old from New York City. "I used to continue doing it for the simple fact because they used to cry."
Another bully said he was fully aware he was making life miserable for some of his classmates, and he still looks back on those days with apparent pride.
"I made someone bulimic because I was very continuous about that they were fat and stuff," he said proudly.
Helping These Kids
Some kids are permanently damaged by such bullying. They are at greater risk of depression, and of sacrificing their education - because you can't learn when you're afraid.
For the kids who are constantly picked on, said Craig, "recess is the most terrifying moment of their day."
What can be done to help them? Parents and teachers must intervene, said Thompson. "Sometimes adults rationalize bullying as 'Well, that's kids,' when in fact, it's traumatic," said Thompson. "Those kids need to be protected."
In the Canadian study, teachers told researchers that they intervened to stop bullying all the time, but the tapes showed that they actually stepped in less than 5 percent of the time.
Some schools are actively trying to reduce bullying and social cruelty.
Jeff Parker, who runs an anti-bullying program, said good programs don't just fight bad behavior, but they also encourage good behavior. He teaches kids that the key to stopping bullying is in the hands of the bystanders.
If just one bystander says "stop," said Craig, or "don't hit my friend," the bully will stop half of the time. But rarely will that happen, Thompson added, because most kids are either afraid, entertained by bullying, or don't think speaking up will help.
At a school in the New York City borough of Staten Island, George Anthony tries to teach kids they have more choices than just accepting harassment. He runs a class for peer mediators, where he teaches students how to force the warring parties to hear each other's point of view.